| It's impossible to disappear from You or to ask the darkness to hide me, for Your presence is everywhere, bringing light into my night. — Psalms 139:11   Editor's note: Kayla Stoecklein is a voice of compassion and hope for those oppressed with the topic of suicide. It's a delicate issue, one haunted by shame and fear, and one that needs to be brought into the light of God's grace. In Fear Gone Wild (on sale now for 60% off), Kayla shares her and her husband Andrew's story but above all, she shares the story of divine grace.
A pastor's wife's shattering yet ultimately hopeful story of her husband's death by suicide, her journey to understand mental illness, and the light she found in the darkness.
Have you ever tried to walk around your house in the dark? With arms stretched out wide we feel our way around, running into dressers, patting walls with our hands, feeling for the familiar to find our way. It's hard to see where we're going without the light. It's painful to run into things we didn't know were there, it can be uncomfortable to not know where our next step may lead. It's easy to lose our way when our eyes can't see.
I wonder if the same can be true about our wilderness seasons in life. Those times when we feel like we are aimlessly wandering around in the dark, and the divine presence of light feels far out of reach. As we wander, we wonder, where is He? Why isn't He showing up for me here? Why did He allow this to happen? What now?
We all face seasons in our life and our faith journey where the distance between Heaven and earth, Him and us, feels endless.
Sometimes like David in the Psalms we cry out:
How long, Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? — Psalm 13:1-2
The reality of our humanity is that none of us are exempt from the pain and brokenness of this place. We all walk through tragedies and trials, seasons of life where God seems more like a distant elusive entity, rather than a close loving Friend.
Maybe like me, you planned out your life, but it didn't pan out the way you wanted it to.
Maybe the dream you had in mind never became a reality.
Maybe there was a relapse instead of remission.
Maybe there was divorce instead of reconciliation.
Maybe you were healthy but then illness came out of nowhere are you are waiting for healing.
Maybe you want to start a family, and though you've been trying for years, your arms are still empty.
Maybe you deeply desire to be married, and though you've gone on date after date, you are still single.
Maybe you were enjoying a stable, smooth life, but now you're sitting in a season of depression that is dark, ugly, terrifying, and debilitating.
And maybe for the first time ever, you are wrestling with suicidal thoughts that you never thought you would have.
Truth is, sometimes the lights go out in life and we feel left alone in the dark with our pain. So how do we find our way back to the light? How do we take the next step forward when we our eyes can't see? How do we live with the pain?
Friend, I don't have all of the answers, but what I've discovered through my own season of deep pain and grief is that the light is always there, we just have to searching for glimmers of it.
God wants nothing more than to be close to us in our pain. He is sitting right beside us as we weep, He is our listening ear as we vent our frustrations, He is our steady anchor of truth in a sea of confusion, He is faithful, He is good, He is kind, and He will always make a way. There isn't anywhere we can go to escape His loving light.
One of my favorite passages from the Psalms illustrates this so well:
Lord, You know everything there is to know about me. You perceive every movement of my heart and soul, and You understand my every thought before it even enters my mind. You are so intimately aware of me, Lord…. You know every step I will take before my journey even begins. You've gone into my future to prepare the way, and in kindness You follow behind me to spare me from the harm of my past…. Where could I go from Your Spirit? Where could I run and hide from Your face?… Wherever I go, Your hand will guide me; Your strength will empower me. It's impossible to disappear from You or to ask the darkness to hide me, for Your presence is everywhere, bringing light into my night. — Psalm 139:1-11 TPT
Friend, He is "bringing light into your night." Keep holding on. Keep asking Him to help you live with the pain, keep putting one foot in front of the other even when you cannot see where you are going. He is preparing a way and strengthening you along the way. You are not alone. You are loved. Keep going.
In it together, Kayla Written for FaithGateway by Kayla Stoecklein, author of Fear Gone Wild.
Watch this video interview with Kayla on Good Morning America 
Your Turn
Are you in the dark? If so, you are not alone. If you are in the wilderness, God is right with you, right beside you. He will never, ever leave you. Turn upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. Come share your thoughts on holding on with us on our blog. We are in it together and we want to hear from you. ~ Laurie McClure, editor, FaithGateway Share this with someone who needs it today.  A Pastor's Wife Shares Her Story After Her Husband's Suicide... Save 60% off + free shipping for 2 days only with MAYFS coupon code*
FEAR GONE WILD by Kayla Stoecklein  Hardcover, Regular Price: $26.99 Sale: $10.80 (60% off) + free shipping now through 5/16/21 with code MAYFS at checkout On August 25, 2018, Kayla Stoecklein lost her husband, Andrew — megachurch pastor of Inland Hills Church in Chino, California — to suicide. In the wake of the tragedy, she embarked on a brave journey to better understand his harrowing battle with mental illness and, ultimately, to overcome the stigma of suicide.
Fear Gone Wild is her intimate account of all that led to that tragic day, including her husband's panic attacks and debilitating bouts of anxiety and depression. Despite their deep faith in God and the countless prayers of many believers, Andrew was never healed of his illness.
Turning to Scripture for answers, she discovered that God uses wilderness experiences to prepare His children — including Jesus — for his greater purpose and to work miracles inside our souls.
PRAISE FOR FEAR GONE WILD:
"I cried while reading Fear Gone Wild. I cried not only for the devastation and sorrow Kayla and her family have experienced, but also because I recognize so much of my family's sorrow in hers. We've both lost someone we dearly loved to suicide and share the crushing shock, horror, and pain that accompany such a death. But we also share the same rock-solid hope that God is at work in the losses; walking with us, carrying us when needed, gently reminding that he will never abandon us in our grief and is in the process of restoring the ruins of our lives. Kayla's beautiful way with words will comfort your aching heart."
"Fear Gone Wild pulls back the curtain that shrouds mental illness in the church. With tempered strength and well-chosen words, my friend Kayla gently moves aside the heavy fabric so that we might see the pain up close and learn alongside her. This book transforms the beautiful love story of Andrew and Kayla into a vehicle of hope and rescue for others. I cried as I read her words, yet found myself strangely encouraged that their loss could mean restoration for countless others."
~ Lisa Bevere, author of Strong
"Absolutely powerful! Wow! I was so deeply moved by Kayla's words and story. Fear Gone Wild is filled with epic truth, wisdom, and practical insights that will forever change you and the way you see the struggle for mental health. This book is a precious gift to us all."
+ FREE SHIPPING this weekend only with code MAYFS 
May is Mental Health Awareness Month
Shop all our helpful + hopeful resources in the FaithGateway Store... and don't forget your free shipping* with code MAYFS through Sunday!  *Sale prices valid through 5/31/2021, excluding eBooks. eBooks purchases are fulfilled by our partner, Glose. Free U.S. shipping, excluding Alaska and Hawaii, with code MAYFS now through 11:59 p.m. CST on 5/16/2021.
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