God is trustworthy. God is good. More than my obedience, God just wants me. He just wants to be close to me. ~ Michelle Williams, Checking In
  Two years after Destiny's Child ended, getting a starring role in a nationally touring show like The Color Purple felt like I had come full circle. And you know what? The experience was incredible, y'all. And the show was even better. Your girl even earned a nomination for Lead Female Actress at the 2008 Eighteenth Annual NAACP Theatre Awards! I was like, Okay, this is it. This is going to be the beginning of the next chapter of Michelle Williams's story.
The plan was that after The Color Purple, I was going to do another album. But I wasn't sure I wanted to release a gospel album this time.
I remember having a conversation with my mama about what type of record I wanted to make. She said, "Tenitra, you need to do something with some soul. Something that people can dance to." And I was like, If Mama says to do it, then I'd better do it.
I decided to call the departure Unexpected. I knew people expected me to put out more gospel music. And I love gospel music. If you look at my playlist, that's the main genre I listen to. (Along with Afrobeat. If you've never listed to Afrobeat, do yourself a favor and check some out!) But I didn't want to do what people thought I would do. I wanted to do something different. So plans were made to release Unexpected in 2008.
I had actually released a second gospel record during my time with Destiny's Child, and this would be my first project since then — and the first commercial pop album I'd ever done on my own. I knew that the world would be watching how it did, and the pressure felt like I was walking around with a big ole gorilla hanging from my back. But still, I was excited. Like, This could be it. This could be the start of what's next.
And of course, I started getting too much in my head about it, questioning everything. Will the gospel music community think I'm playing both sides of the industry? Will the secular music industry take me seriously as a solo artist? Even someone without mental health issues could lose their dang mind overthinking a release with this much potential for failure or success.
Ready or not, the release was coming. And in fall 2008, my first-ever dance album dropped. And dropped.
There are a lot of tracks on that record that I still jam out to, to this day. But I may be the only one. Unexpected didn't do as well as I or anyone had hoped. And my music career was put on ice. Ice in the back of one of those walk-in freezers in the industry's basement.
So I thought, I'll take the entrepreneurial route. Maybe it's time to press pause on the music, let a little time pass, and see how I feel about it. I remember writing in my journal that I wanted my own bath, bedding, and spa line. I made clear goals; I even wrote down what I wanted to earn after taxes. And you know what happened? I got laughed at. Literally, laughed at. I was like, "Hang on a minute. That wasn't a joke. I'm not Chris Tucker out here throwing y'all a punchline. This is what I want to do. This is my life you're cracking up about." But they just kept laughing. Like, Oh, honey. Keep dreaming.
I spent a number of years after Unexpected feeling lost. It was like someone had dropped me in the middle of a complicated maze and told me to get out. Only they'd blindfolded me and tied my hands behind my back too. I didn't know what was happening next, and it felt like I had no one fighting for me. To this day, I sometimes have to work through those old feelings of rejection. I know everybody was doing the best they could, but at that time, I felt like I'd been abandoned.
Confused, disappointed, scared, and lonely, I withdrew into myself.
Let me tell you something about depression. Baaaby, depression loves disappointment. If you're inclined toward being depressed at all, when disappointment comes your way, depression stands up and cheers. It's like, Yeah! This is my chance to get a foothold again! I sat in my disappointment long enough for depression's roots to sink deep into my mind and spirit.
And I probably would have stayed there, had it not been for that little girl in the picture, that proud little girl with bows in her hair. Because even at that young age, I was being taught the right way to handle disappointment.
There's a proverb that talks about teaching a child to seek God's will:
Train up a child in the way he should go [teaching him to seek God's wisdom and will for his abilities and talents], even when he is old he will not depart from it. — Proverbs 22:6
My parents weren't perfect, but they did what matters most: They taught me to love and fear the Lord. They taught me to seek God's wisdom and will for my life. And just like God's Word says, when I grew older, even if it took me a few failed attempts trying to do things my own way, I eventually found myself at the feet of God, begging Him to take me where He wanted me.
The truth was, over time, I had allowed some distance to build between me and God. Now, I never once doubted that God was with me. I never said, "God, this is all Your fault." I don't have that testimony. I do have the testimony where, because of my actions, I've run away from God. I know I have. I felt He was ashamed of me. You know how sometimes parents can be disappointed in their children? I was like, I know God has to be disappointed in me, and I would literally see myself spiritually crumbling and hiding from God. Over time, my actions and my choices created space between God and me.
Now, we all get to this point. A relationship with God is just like a relationship with anyone else. Sometimes you feel really close to each other and sometimes you don't. It all depends on how much time you've been spending together and how much effort you've been investing into the relationship.
The truth is, we all want to feel close to someone. We all want to feel like someone knows us and likes us. That someone is looking forward to spending time with us and cares about what we say and think. And for a lot of people, there is something really appealing about being close to God. But I know that's not the case for everybody. Maybe the idea of being close to God sounds great, but it's also kind of intimidating.
Maybe you're afraid to feel close to God. Because if you were to get honest with God and check in with God, you might hear Him say something you don't want to hear. That's been the case with me almost any time I've been distant from Him — shame or guilt keeps me from opening up to Him. Maybe I'm afraid to hear something like, "Okay, Michelle. Now that I've got you where I want you, let Me get out my list of all the ways you've screwed up lately" or, "Let Me tell you all the reasons I'm mad at you." For many of us, God reminds us of an angry parent or grandparent who always finds something wrong with us. So we stay far from God.
A lot of people I know say their main fear is that getting close to God will make them miserable. In other words, the only way to be close to Him is to give up everything they do that's fun.
It kinda makes me laugh, because when people who truly are close to God talk about their faith, that's never part of their narrative. They're not like, "I started checking in with God, and everything went downhill from there." But deep down, many of us still have this suspicion that there's more to the story, that being close to God is difficult and complicated. And that staying close to Him is nearly impossible.
Have y'all ever heard of a guy named Abraham? He was a pretty big deal in the Bible. And his story is in its very first book, Genesis. It all starts in chapter 12, where his name wasn't actually Abraham yet, but Abram. The first thing we learn about Abram is that God showed up and spoke to him in some sort of vision or dream. He told Abram to leave the country he was living in. That may not sound like a huge deal, but it was. God basically told Abram to leave his family and everything he had ever known and go to a land that God would show him.
If it's me, I'm like, "God, I've got questions. You want me to do what? Pack up and leave my family and friends? For how long? What am I supposed to tell my mama? You know how she is. She won't understand. And wait a minute, you want me to go where? To a land You will eventually give to me? So You're asking me to be homeless in the meantime? I need details, Lord! A timeline. And a map, if possible."
But what's so interesting is that God didn't give Abram a command and then wait to see what happened next. God told Abram to leave, then God kept talking:
I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you. — Genesis 12:2-3 NIV
God was asking Abram to take a big step. But before he started, God also wanted Abram to know that there was a promise attached. He wasn't going to have Abram leave his life so that he would be miserable, but so that God could use him and give him a life Abram had never imagined. Basically, God wanted more for Abram. But Abram had to take the first step in faith, with no timelines and no guarantees of what this "better" future would look like.
Abraham's story didn't end there; it started there. Over and over God walked with Abraham and made promises, giving him bigger glimpses into the role he would play in the future of the people of God. The point wasn't to get Abraham to do more things. God's purpose was to continue to draw Abraham closer to Himself. The point was for Abraham and God to develop a relational history together, so that when the time came and it seemed like God was asking him to do crazy things, Abraham could look back at what God had done for him already and say,
"God is trustworthy. God is good. More than my obedience, God just wants me. He just wants to be close to me."
WATCH THE VIDEO 
You need to check in on a regular basis with yourself, with others, and with God...
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Checking In: How Getting Real about Depression Saved My Life — and Can Save Yours by Michelle Williams  Hardcover, Regular Price: $26.99 Sale: $18.89 (30% off) "I need help."
Those three words saved Grammy Award–winning singer Michelle Williams's life. After decades of sweeping her anxiety and depression under the rug — even during her years in the spotlight with Destiny's Child — Michelle found herself planning her own funeral. Realizing that she needed immediate help and could no longer battle her anxiety and depression alone, she checked herself into a treatment facility. When she came home, she was energized and determined to check in on a regular basis with herself, God, and others.
Practical, engaging, and full of wisdom, Checking In helps us understand that
An uplifting, behind-the-scenes look at one woman's path to healing, Checking In reminds you that you are not alone, and that God is not yet finished writing your story.
ICYMI: Michelle was on Good Morning America last week!  Michelle was on "Good Morning America" on Thursday and it was phenomenal! She is so vulnerable and brave. What a huge blessing to those of us who have suffered depression. Watch and enjoy! What Readers Are Saying I spent years with Michelle Williams when she was a member of Destiny's Child and in the years since. I never knew that she was suffering with depression. It shows how deceptive depression can be! I am proud of her for writing about it. I could not put this book down, because it was so informative in dispelling many of the myths and stereotypes that stop us from seeking the help and support that we need. Michelle has written from the heart, with great humor and love. The chapters are interwoven with her unabashed honesty and some entertaining stories about her journey, and 'the crash' that changed her life. A must-read. ~ Tina Knowles Lawson, cofounder of WACO Theater Center, author, and philanthropist Michelle Williams is unlike anyone else I know. She's completely real and tells it like it is, all while making you laugh. Her book, Checking In, is a lifeline to anyone struggling with anxiety or depression. ~ Bob Goff, New York Times bestselling author of Love Does and Everybody, Always Michelle Williams is one of the bravest, strongest women I know. She has fought through very public struggles and dark, hidden days of depression. And now, in Checking In, she's putting it all out there for everyone to see. Her story is powerful and relatable, and she wants you to know that you are not alone. Healing is possible. And she's here to walk through it with you. ~ Sarah Jakes Roberts, founder of Woman Evolve, co-pastor of The Potter's House, and author of Woman Evolve
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