when holidays hurt

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.— Matthew 5:4 The Dance of Grief and Gratitude  by Bo Stern, from When Holidays Hurt Editor's note: As we celebrate this season of gratitude, remembrance and recognition of God's provision, and celebration, we also acknowledge that we and those around us may be in a season of struggle or pain. We pray that you find comfort and encouragement from this excerpt of When Holidays Hurt. Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name. — Psalm 10:4 NIV   Deep in the heart of November, I received two e-mails from women who were each fighting fierce battles, one losing her husband to ALS, the other losing her husband to an addiction he seemed unable to control. Different stories with similar shades of emotional trauma. I thought about how in years past these wonderful women would have been planning Thanksgiving dinner and baking pies and creating a holiday to remember. This year, however, they both cast a wary eye toward the day.   "I'm trying to be grateful," one said carefully. "I really am." I could hear the guilt crouching behind her words, and it frustrated me because I know her. I know she's not just trying to be grateful; she is grateful. She is thankful for her amazing children, the beautiful marriage she shared with her husband for thirty years, and for the way their core group of friends surrounded them throughout his illness. She was deeply, dearly grateful, and yet, in the season of Thanksgiving, she felt that she wasn't thankful enough. What gives?   Here's my theory: we tend to expect gratitude to act as a sort of emotional acid, absorbing all sorrow on contact. Because of this underlying idea, we can also project that idea on those around us, and that's what had happened to my friend. The people who really, truly love her had run out of encouraging things to say and really wanted to enjoy Thanksgiving themselves, and so they resorted to advice like, "Just be grateful for what you have." And she was trying. And I am trying. And you are trying.   But let's be clear: sorrow is not sin, and gratitude does not cancel out grief. Adoring her children does not eradicate the deep pain of losing her husband, and she needed — as we all need — permission to experience both joy and sorrow. When we stop viewing grief and gratitude as mutually exclusive emotions, we are well on our way to a healthier holiday, and I think Jesus told us this very thing in one little sentence that takes my breath away every time I read it:   Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. — Matthew 5:4   Bless. Mourn. Comfort. Three action words that seem at odds with one another at first glance but that, with a little synergy, form a strategy for enduring the happiest days in a season of heartache. A look at the original language shows us that we could lift the spiritually loaded word blessed up and out of that verse, drop in the word happy, and still be true to the meaning of the word. Happy are those who mourn? Ridiculous. It's like saying, "Healthy are those who are sick," or "Pregnant are those who are barren." This concept makes no sense until we add the third word: comfort.   Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.   Comfort is also a beautiful Greek word parakaleo. It's formed from two words: kaleo, which means "to call by name," and para, which means "near." This word pulls us right up into the lap of God and invites us to experience the beauty of His presence in a way we may never have experienced before.   The comfort of God is a bigger, more powerful thing than we give it credit for being. It's in this uniquely "called by name" place that we are supernaturally strengthened, guided, and loved.   I remember the morning I took my husband to the hospital for surgery to have a feeding tube placed. Though we knew that ALS made him a high-risk patient, we were blindsided when the surgeon met us five minutes before the surgery and explained that his chances of coming out of the operating room on life support were very high and that we would then have to decide whether to continue that support or say good-bye. I'm not going to put a pretty face on this — we didn't handle it gracefully. We wept and shook and fell into a hug on his hospital bed as we tried to figure out which way to go. Without a feeding tube, his remaining days would be very, very difficult, and the longer we waited to have it done, the more risky it became. And yet — Steve had not said good-byes to our kids. Our son had left for school that morning having no idea that he might not talk to his dad again. Every option seemed impossible, and I felt like the walls were caving in on my heart.   This little event is a tiny glimpse at our story and represents one of the most difficult moments in our fight with ALS, and yet it doesn't compare to the very worst moments. The worst moments have been when I've wandered from God's plan or purpose, when I have not been able to feel Him in my pain. This deep-water morning, though, was filled to the brim with the parakaleo of God. I could almost hear Him whispering my name as I wept into my husband's neck. I could feel His arms closing in just when I thought my heart would die inside my chest. And then we both heard His clear instruction to wait. At the same moment, we looked at each other and turned to the surgeon and said, "Not today." Comfort, love, guidance — it was all there in the middle of our sorrow because Jesus shows up when we suffer. He shows up, speaks our name, and reminds us it's okay to be broken with Him.   Finding Hidden Hope Make two columns on a sheet of paper, labeling one grief and one gratitude. List all the things in each column, being brutally honest with how you're really feeling. Now write blessed, mourn, and comfort over the list, and ask Jesus to show you the ways He is working in every area of your life.   For strength, we thank You; it blesses us. For weakness, we thank You; it builds us. When all is bright, we thank You. In deepest dark, we trust You. And our souls sing It. Is. Well. Now, to the One who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine, endless, eternal thanks. Excerpted with permission from When Holidays Hurt by Bo Stern, copyright Thomas Nelson. Your Turn   Many of us can attest to the holidays being a mixed bag — the really wonderful mashed up with the truly challenging and heartbreaking. Come share with us some your grief and gratitude list. We would love to hear from you both the painful and the praises. ~ Devotionals Daily COMMENT Share this devotion with someone who needs it today.   Find hidden hope amid your pain and loss— even when it feels impossible   Save 50% off When Holidays Hurt by Bo Stern Paperback, Regular: $14.99 Sale Price: $7.50 (50% off) eBook price: $2.99 + free U.S. shipping* on orders $30 or more SHOP NOW What are you supposed to do when the holidays hurt?   Divorce. Financial stress. Chronic illness. Losing a loved one. Experiencing any of these situations during the year is difficult. But the holiday season, once joyful and happy, can heighten this pain.    When Holidays Hurt, written by Bo Stern, will help you find hidden hope amid your pain and loss— even when it feels impossible.   Bo spent two Christmases struggling to connect with the joy of the season. As she watched her husband, Steve, struggle with terminal ALS, Bo quietly felt her spirit for the season fade--and has noticed others suffering the same way.   Through stories and scriptures, Bo offers: A way to redeem what can often become painful days--Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries, milestones such as weddings and graduations, and more 35 thoughtful devotions divided into specific seasons of life that range from holidays to special occasions Tangible ways to find hidden hope and prayers to recite When Holidays Hurt is an encouraging self-purchase or gift for loved ones who are hurting and enduring hard times and need to be reminded of hope, peace, and purpose. Bo's authentic voice equips us with coping tools to use throughout the year.   What People Are Saying "I read it through in one sitting---- could identify with so many of the thoughts as I'm a widow facing her 24th Christmas alone. It's really hard, when the rest of the world seems to be rejoicing and enjoying the celebration. Very personal journey for Bo----- so thankful for her honesty." — Maureen M., reader Learn more and save JOIN NOW   *Sale prices valid through 11/30/2020, excluding eBooks.  eBooks purchases are fulfilled by our partner, Glose.  Free U.S. shipping on orders over $30 valid, excluding Alaska and Hawaii Devotionals Daily ~ our mission is to help you grow and share your faith. Did you receive this message from a friend? Sign up to start receiving Devotionals Daily. 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