How Childhood Shapes Your Relationship
By Jen Ferguson "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20, NIV For the longest time in our marriage, I often felt like a little puppy dog in our marriage. I would yip and yap and tug much like puppies do as they try to vie for their owner's attention. I felt as though I was continually chasing after Craig, pleading "pay attention to me!" But every foot I got closer, the more he moved away. To be honest, I was not as innocent as a cute little puppy dog. While my need for his love and attention was valid (and still is), it had also reached unhealthy levels. I continued to move towards Craig because I was dependent on him for my security and self-worth. Enter the childhood past affecting the present marriage. Growing up, my parent's relationship was highly unstable, which definitely affected my sense of security and stability. I was desperate to have my new family become the opposite of my childhood, but did not have the tools to create that environment in a healthy way. Unequipped, I simply tried to force it, manufacture it, control it to soothe my inner heartache. Craig grew up in a much more stable home, but as a middle child often felt as though he wasn't seen. So to minimize rejection, he learned to be self-reliant, independent, and when things got hard, he moved away from others, isolating himself. Can you imagine the puppy dog scene now? Many of us have childhood wounds that shape our style of relating. Karen Horney's research says that each of us adopts a style that helps us survive and overcome the pain of our childhood. People generally either move towards (me), move away (Craig), or move against. Move towards people want to control the relationship for their own sense of security and self-worth. Move away people want to detach themselves from relationships to protect themselves from more pain and disappointment. Move against people try to dominate and rule over relationships, sometimes coming across as a bully or tyrant. The styles of relating may help us avoid pain for a while, but since God created us for connection and intimacy, they will soon simply cause us to wilt away. We certainly can try to fight against old behavior patterns and create new habits, but ultimately, if we don't allow God into the places of childhood pain, we will simply begin to adopt the unhealthy patterns of other styles or regress back into our own. Behavior modification never heals heart wounds. | 
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