Doing life with your adult children

The point is clear: reach out in love. — Jim Burns Doing Life with Your Adult Children: “Wear Beige and Keep Your Mouth Shut” by Jim Burns, from Doing Life With Your Adult Children    “The first forty years of parenting are always the hardest!” A woman I know was asked at her son’s wedding, “What is the responsibility of the mother of the groom?” She smiled and said, “Wear beige and keep your mouth shut.” She got a chuckle, but it was great advice, especially when it comes to relationships with in-laws. Many comedians like to do a bit on in-laws, especially a mother-in-law. I must admit I have done my share of laughing at those jokes. The reason so many comedians take on the in-law routine is because the in-law stereotypes are based on realities most people can relate to. Some in-laws do meddle. When it comes to dealing with in-laws, stepfamilies, and the blend, the wisecrack wisdom of “wear beige and keep your mouth shut” is a much more effective strategy than meddling. Here’s my short take on navigating a successful relationship with an in-law or an in-law-to-be: ■ Don’t criticize the in-law. ■ Don’t criticize the in-law’s parenting. ■ Don’t criticize the in-law’s treatment of your son or daughter. ■ Don’t criticize anything about the in-law. If I might be so blunt, it’s not about you; it’s about them. You don’t have to like them. You don’t have to agree with them. Your job is to honor your child by honoring your in-law because they chose your in-law and you didn’t. Susan and Matt confided in me that their new daughter-in-law was not the type of person they had hoped their son would marry. She was brash, bossy, opinionated, and a bit narcissistic. They also felt she was keeping their son away from the family. While Matt wanted to confront the couple, Susan was nervous that a confrontation would push her new daughter-in-law and son away. They asked me what I thought. Although I do believe that gentle confrontations can work, I wasn’t sure that was the best strategy in this case. “It seems like she is a bit rough around the edges,” I said. “I’d shower her with kindness and pray for a transformation. It doesn’t sound like she has a vendetta against you as much as this is her personality with everyone. What if you took on the task of nixing any negativity toward her or your son? Be the people in their lives who support their marriage. Be the safe in-laws to whom they will be drawn, rather than the ones causing tension. Lower your expectations for a while and support them whenever and however you can.” Susan also shared she was struggling over the loss of closeness with her son. Before his marriage, the son and his mother had been close. Now, not so much. “Your access to your son and future grandkids is through your daughter-in-law,” I said. “So it’s back to supporting her in any way you can. Without being intrusive, offer to babysit anytime she needs a break and it works with your schedule. Go out of your way to bring her a small gift or write an affirming card. You’d do it for a friend, so why not for your daughter-in-law, who can become your friend? When you honor her, you are honoring your son. Be the person they want to spend time with because you are investing in their lives. Then sit back and watch the relationship change.” I know my advice to Susan might sound like an oversimplification because life and relationships can get complicated — even good, well-intentioned people can make mistakes when hurt feelings get the best of them. But for those in Susan’s situation, the decision to support the marriage of your grown kids can help keep it from being unnecessarily complicated. Stay away from disputes with your kid’s spouse on anything. You just can’t take it personally. WHAT IF YOU DON’T LIKE THEM? Sometimes people tell me they just don’t like the person their adult child is dating or has married. I get it. But unless the situation is abusive or destructive, it’s better to focus on learning to like them than to focus on what you don’t like about them. One mom I know changed a relationship with her daughter-in-law through small gifts. Her daughter-in-law had a shell that was difficult to penetrate. She didn’t have much of a filter and would say hurtful words to her mother-in-law and talk negatively about her son. She was simply a negative and draining person. One day when the mom was at Starbucks, she realized that her daughter-in-law loved Starbucks, but the young couple was on a pretty tight budget. So the mom bought her a ten-dollar gift card. Next door was a candy store that sold chocolate-dipped strawberries, and she purchased two. On her way home, she stopped by her son and daughter-in-law’s apartment with the gift card, strawberries, and a short note. The daughter-in-law loved the gesture. From that time on, it became a weekly ritual. Eventually, the daughter-in-law reached out and asked to get together for coffee. One year later, they are best friends. Of course, this wonderful ending isn’t always the case, but the point is clear: reach out in love, even if you don’t start off liking them. Carly and David pulled me aside at one of our Doing Life with Your Adult Child seminars. They told me they had taken an instant disliking to their daughter’s husband and made both subtle and not-so-subtle comments to their daughter about him before the wedding. Their daughter went ahead and married, and now they were the proud grandparents of three children and still not too crazy about their son-in-law. But their story was a good one. They decided against complaining about the son-in-law to their daughter. Even when she made negative comments (with which they agreed), they kept quiet. They just listened. Their philosophy was, “He’s your husband and we will stay out of the fray.” When grandchildren entered the picture, the son-in-law routinely limited their access to the grandkids and the hurts deepened. When Carly and David asked to stop by, he would say, “Not today — we are really busy.” They waited for more access with wounded hearts. They offered to babysit. They bought gifts. They didn’t miss any occasion to celebrate together. Slowly but surely, access was granted. Babysitters were needed, and they got their time. They were smart enough to wait it out and keep their mouths shut, and eventually things changed. When I asked them how the breakthrough happened, they said, “We decided to become the fun grandparents and fun in-laws. This meant our grandkids started asking for us. We tried to create family fun as a vital part of our family culture.” When I asked if they liked their son-in-law any better, they said, “When we lowered our expectations and accepted him for who he is, things got better. We want to do everything we can to help them succeed as a family.” Excerpted with permission from Doing Life with Your Adult Children by Jim Burns, copyright Jim Burns. *** Your Turn If you’re in the season of parenting adult children, hang tight! Ask the Lord for help. Ask for the tools you’ll need to shut your mouth when you need to and offer kindness and support often. What have you found helpful? Come share with us on our blog. We want to hear from you! COMMENT   Don't Miss This Deal In Doing Life with Your Adult Children, parenting expert Jim Burns, Ph.D. helps you navigate the toughest and the most rewarding parts of parenting your grown kids. Save 40% off + get FREE U.S. shipping* with coupon code HOPE for one more week only!   Paperback: $17.99 Sale: $10.79 (40% off) BUY NOW 5-STAR READER REVIEWS Excellent! Wise, encouraging, helpful, hopeful words to help parents navigate the shark-infested waters of loving & living well with adult children. Highly recommend! - Rebecca C. verified buyer In the throws of our youngest leaving the nest and desperate for wisdom to do it well, this book gave me essential wisdom and insight. Practical, relatable and applicable approach to today’s reality for this stage of parenting is a godsend. This book is a must read! - Diane P., verified buyer ABOUT THE BOOK If you have an adult child, you know that parenting doesn't stop when a child reaches the age of eighteen. In many ways, it gets more complicated. Both your heart and your head are as involved as ever, whether your child lives under your roof or rarely stays in contact. Speaking from his own personal and professional experience, Dr. Jim Burns offers practical answers to questions such as these: Is it OK to give advice to my grown child? What's the difference between enabling and helping? What boundaries should I have if my child moves back home? What do I do when my child doesn't seem to be maturing into adulthood? How do I relate to my grown child's significant other? What does it mean to have healthy financial boundaries? How can I support my grown children when I don't support their values? Including positive principles on bringing kids back to faith, ideas on how to leave a legacy as a grandparent, and encouragement for every changing season, Doing Life with Your Adult Children is a unique book on your changing role in a calling that never ends. About the Author  Jim Burns is the president of HomeWord and speaks to thousands of people around the world each year. He has close to two million resources in print in twenty languages. Some of his most popular books are Confident Parenting, The Purity Code, Creating an Intimate Marriage, and Closer.  Shop now to save 40% off Doing Life with Your Adult Children *Prices and free U.S. shipping (excluding Alaska and Hawaii) with code HOPE valid until 4/30/20. Sale pricing exclude ebooks. Trust God With The Ones You Love Once our kids have "flown the nest," our parenting will change dramatically... but our sons and daughters will always need our prayers. Save 40% off + FREE shipping* with code HOPE Praying the Scriptures for Your Adult Children by Jodie Berndt and find biblically-based prayers for every situation your children may face in adulthood.   List Price: $16.99 Sale Price: $10.19 + free shipping* with code HOPE at checkout BUY NOW   As parents of adult children, we often wonder: Will my children make good choices when they’re on their own? How can I let them go when I’ve held them for so long? Parent and author Jodie Berndt understands what it’s like to release children into the world and still care deeply about them and everything they will face. Praying the Scriptures for Your Adult Children will equip you with Scripture-based prayers and inspiring stories from Jodie as well as other parents so you can pray effectively for your children as they navigate the world on their own. The book is separated into five topical sections: — Praying for Your Adult Child — Praying for Your Adult Child's Relationships — Praying through the Milestones in Your Adult Child's Life — Praying for Your Adult Child's Health, Safety, and Well-Being — Praying for Your Adult Child's Victory Over Temptation Each chapter dives into more specific topics like marriage, grandchildren, health crises, financial difficulty, addiction, jobs and careers, and infertility. At the end of each chapter, you’ll find personalized prayers for your children taken straight from Scripture. Each chapter also includes verses for you to pray for yourself, as shown below. This book will prepare you to take the challenging step of trusting God to care for your children in ways that you can’t. After reading it, you'll walk away with a deeper understanding of what it means to parent when your children are grown, and a strong Scriptural foundation for praying through the times ahead. Praise for the Book This book will never make it to my bookshelf, because it has already found a permanent home on my bedside table. I’ll pray-read it again and again. — Sara Hagerty, author Jodie's book is filled with stories and real-life situations that clearly identify issues every child will encounter and then lays out a praying plan to address those issues with wisdom, biblical counsel, and practical parental advice. — Joe Battaglia, broadcaster and author GET THE DEAL Devotionals Daily ~ our mission is to help you  Webmaster220 Bible Study Blog grow and share your faith. Copyright © 2020 HarperCollins Christian Publishing.   All Rights Reserved. 501 Nelson Place, Nashville, TN  37214  USA Terms and Conditions | Privacy Policy *Manage Your eMail Preferences or Unsubscribe

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